|
Love Letters - Part 1 TO MY DEAR WIFE: During the last year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. �I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. �The following is a list of why I did not succeed. 1. �The sheets are clean........................................54 times 2. �It's too late...............................................17 times 3. �I'm too tired...............................................49 times 4. �It's too early..............................................20 times 5. �Pretending to be asleep.....................................15 times 6. �It's too hot................................................15 times 7. �The neighbors will hear us...................................3 times 8. �Headache....................................................22 times 9. �Sunburn......................................................7 times 10. Your mother will hear us.....................................9 times 11. Not in the mood.............................................43 times 12. You will wake the baby......................................17 times 13. Watching the late show.......................................6 times 14. New hairdo...................................................5 times 15. Too sore....................................................16 times 16. The wrong time of the month.................................12 times 17. We have to get up early.....................................19 times Of the 36 times that I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you told me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I had finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because I felt you move. Back to my home page Drop me a note! Love Letters - Part 2 TO MY DEAR HUSBAND: I think you have gotten things a little confused, here are the real reasons you did not get more than you did. 1. �Came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat.....................5 times 2. �Did not come home at all.....................................36 times 3. �Did not come.................................................21 times 4. �Came too soon................................................33 times 5. �Went soft before you got in..................................19 times 6. �Toes in a cramp..............................................10 times 7. �Working too late.............................................38 times 8. �Have to get up early to play golf............................29 times 9. �In a fight, someone kicked you in the balls...................2 times 10. Caught it in your zipper......................................4 times 11. Got a cold and your nose kept running.........................3 times 12. Coffee was too hot and you burnt your tongue..................3 times 13. You had a splinter in your finger.............................2 times 14. Lost the notion after thinking about it all day..............20 times 15. Came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book...............6 times 16. Too busy watching football on T.V............................98 times Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid there was because you missed and were fucking the sheets. �I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was "WOULD YOU PREFER ME ON MY BACK OR KNEELING?" �The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe. |
|
TOP 10 REASONS WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN RELIGION 10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer. 9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex. 8. Beer has never caused a major war. 7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves. 6. When you have Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away. 5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over their brand of Beer. 4. You don't have to wait more than 2,000 years for a second Beer. 3. There are laws saying that Beer labels can't lie to you. 2. You can prove you have a Beer. 1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop." Beer Conference In Amsterdam, a world wide convention of brewers was held. The presidents of many of the world's greatest breweries were on hand, and many of them decided to go out for dinner together on the first evening. The waiter asked what they would like to drink, and the CEO of Miller's said, "A Miller's Light please!" The president of Budweiser asked for a "Bud!". Adolph Coors requested a "Coors." And so it went, around the large table, each president asking for the brew from his own company. Finally, the waiter came to Arthur Guinness. "And you sir?" he queried. "I'll have a Coke!" was Guinness's reply. "A Coke??!?" The waiter was shocked. "Wouldn't you rather have a Guinness, sir?" Arthur looked at the waiter, and gestured to his companions, "Well," he said, "If they're not drinking beer, then neither will I!" Signs That You Are Too Drunk oYou lose arguments with inanimate objects. oYou have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. oJob interferring with your drinking. oYour doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. oCareer won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes. oThe back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. oSincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. o24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not! oTwo hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem! oYou can focus better with one eye closed. oThe parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. oYou fall off the floor... oYour twin sons are named Barley and Hops. oHey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! oMosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you oAt AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..." oYour idea of cutting back is less salt. oYou wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. oThe whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in oEvery night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive. oRoseanne looks good. oDon't recognise wife unless seen through bottom of glass. oSenators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you. oYou wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the 4th of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki. oThe shrubbery's drunk too from frequent watering. THE 40 THINGS YOU'LL ONLY DO WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK 1) Ask for extra-hot chilli sauce on your Harry's Meat Pie. 2) Try and get off with your best mate's girlfriend. 3) Piss in your girlfriend's cupboard/out the window/anywhere except in the bathroom. 4) Give a running commentary, out loud, on anything you do, even though You're alone (eg, ah'm gonna go into the kitschen, ah'm gonna get myshelf A beer, an' ah'm gonna drink it... thatsh whad am'm gonna do... etc.) 5)Get a tattoo/try to tattoo yourself. 6) Use classy chat-up lines like: "You've got phemoninal... phemonim... Great tits. Can I shag you?" 7) Fall down open manholes. 8) Chuck up in the back of taxis. 9) Climb onto the roof of bus shelters - to get a better view of the stars. 10) Pull a moonie. 11) Think it's really funny to put all your female flatmate's underwear In the freezer compartment. 12) Make "punch" out of half a bottle of vodka, a bottle of red wine, and Some Strongbow. 13) Drink it. 14) Get thrown out of a nightclub for taking all your clothes off. 15) Sing. 16) Sing "Beers, beers, we want more beers, all the lads are cheerin', Get the fookin' beers in. Beers beers we want more beers"etc........to your Girlfriend's parents. 17) Dance as if you are John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. And bump intoThings. And break them. And not give a flying fuck about it. 18) Make yourself a delicious snack of English mustard on stale white bread. 19) Decide that the waste bin would look better on your head. 20) Fall asleep on the stairs, with your trousers around your ankles. 21) Decide to walk home, even though it's seven miles away. 22) Fall asleep in a bus shelter. 23) Fall asleep on the night bus and wake up at dawn, in the middle of nowhere, having had your shoes nicked. 24) Watch Seventies Hammer House of Horror films starring Patrick Mower. 25) And think they're good. 26) Fall asleep with a pint glass full of water on your chest, and only spill It when you wake up in the morning. 27) Steal bottles of milk from doorsteps. 28) Order the hottest curry on the menu. 29) Ring up every woman in your address book at 2am and say, "Hi, I was just thinking about you. Maybe we should meet up. Now-ish..." 30) Attempt to shag any woman who shows a passing interest in you. 31) Get into a fight with a taxi driver. 32) Say, "You're my best mate, you are", to people you've just met. 33) Decide that you and your ex-girlfriend really should be together. 34) Join the French Foreign Legion. 35) Make a bonfire of photos of your ex-girlfriend. 36) Get really emotional, put on the most morose record in your collection and weep about nothing in particular. 37) Dig out you photo albums, get even more emotional, ring up old friends who've moved abroad and tell them they're your best mate ever. 38) Attempt to phone the Pope, the Queen, Bill Clinton, etc. 39) Take lots of drugs. 40) Make lots of inadvisable bets. THE 10 THINGS YOU THINK YOU CAN DO WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK 1) Pull any woman in the room. 2) Beat any man in the room in a fight. 3) Do the Lambada. 4) Have a coherent, in-depth discussion about politics, the trouble with women, the England football manager, etc. 5) Stop dual-carriageway traffic just by holding your hand up. 6) Persuade 24-hour shop owners to sell you alcohol after 11pm. 7) Evade apprehension by officers of the law. 8) Fall down three flights of stairs without hurting yourself. 9) Do an impression of Riverdance on a narrow windows ledge five stories Above the street. 10) Find your house. A BEER DRINKER'S TROUBLESHOOTING MANUAL Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction; beer is unusually pale and clear. Fault: Glass empty Action: Find someone to buy you another beer Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction; front of your shirt is wet Fault: Mouth not open when drinking OR glass applied to wrong part of face Action: Buy another beer and practise in front of mirror; drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique! Symptom: Feet cold and wet Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle Action: Turn glass other way so that *open* end points towards ceiling! Symptom: Feet warm and wet Fault: Improper bladder control Action: Go and stand next to nearest dog; after a while, complain loudly to owner about lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation! Symptom: Floor blurred Fault: You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass Action: Find someone to buy you another beer Symptom: Floor swaying Fault: Excessive air turbulence, probably due to air-hockey game in progress in bar Action: Insert broomhandle down back of shirt. Symptom: Floor moving Fault: You are being carried out. Action: Find out if you are simply being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped. Symptom: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strips! Fault: You have fallen over backwards Action: If your glass is full -- and no one is standing on your drinking arm -- stay put and carry on. If not, get someone to help you up; attach self to bar. Symptom: Everything has gone dim; your mouth is full of cigarette butts Fault: You have fallen forwards Action: See above Symptom: Everything has gone dark Fault: The pub is closed Action: Panic!!! Symptom: You awaken to find your bed cold, hard and wet; you can not see anything in your bedroom. Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter Action: Check your watch to see if the pubs are open yet; if not, treat yourself to a sleep-in! |
|
LADY DIANA JOKES What's the difference between Lady Di and the Eastern Germans? The Eastern Germans survived the wall. What's the title of the new Princess Diana movie they are making? One Wedding and a Funeral. Did you hear that Princess Di was on the radio a couple of weeks ago? Yep, and on the dashboard, and on the window, and on the hood.... Did you see the wall Di drove into? Neither did she. Did you hear they are going to make a movie about her? It's going to be called "Di hard" or "Live and Let Di" What does DIANA stand for? Died In A Nasty Accident. Dodi said Di and she did. |
|
ELEPHANT JOKES Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree? � � � � � � � A: Because it was dead � � � � � � � Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree? � � � � � � � A: It was glued to the first one. � � � � � � � Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree? � � � � � � � A: It thought it was a game. � � � � � � � Q: And why did the tree fall down? � � � � � � � A: It thought it was an elephant. Q: What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW bug? � � � � � � � A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug. Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road? � � � � � � � A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung). � � � � � � � Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road? � � � � � � � A: He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!". Q: Whats more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your car? � � � � � � � A: Getting an elephant pregnant in the back seat of your car! Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant? � � � � � � � A: Nothing, peanuts can't talk. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rat? A: A dead rat with an 18 inch asshole! Non elephant Joke: By Mehmet Dalkilic How do old people have oral sex? They talk about it. |